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panorama series - Klaus LUCKA von ZELBERSCHWECHT photographer


Fatima, London UK, film director

My most perfect suicide fantasy

transcribed from recording:

The bedroom is upstairs; first I will put the phone downstairs, the cord would lead all the way down the stairs.

I did some research and there is a certain drug you can take that will speed up the course of rigor mortis. The body goes absolutely stiff after death and your muscles lock.

There are certain things that are important to my suicidal fantasy:

1 it had to an element of reality

2 it had to be something I could physically do, can I stomach and do this level of pain, can I perform these acts?

3 who ever would find my body would have to absolutely vomit at the very sight of it

So I would seduce him for one last time, I would take this rigor mortis drug and I would drug him so he would pass out so something like 42 hours, it is really important that it would be a little over a day.

He would be lying there he would be out for a day and a half or 2 days, I would slit my wrist, there are certain points in the body if you slit them it’s projectile, there is so much pressure where the blood spurts something like 3 ½ feet, that’s amazing. It would be like a really bad Jackson Pollack painting, all over the walls. Red, red, red everywhere red all over everything. Than I would feel the final throws of death upon me. I would cling onto him, my arms and legs wrapped around his waist, his body. I would be completely wrapped around him and I die. Rigor mortis would set in and my body would stiffen around him. He would be locked in my body. He comes to it 2 days later, he wakes up, that’s when it really starts, it’s not the suicide, he wakes up and feels himself being suffocated so he will try to move and he can’t move since my face is next to his face, blue, just dead completely dead he would look and Oh My God, he would see all my blood and see my face right into his face and find out I was clinging onto him, dead. My dead body is clinging onto him. What would he do? First thing he would try to get out of bed, I would be clung onto him so he literally with my dead weight he would have to force himself off the bed, find out that the phone is not in the room, stuck with my clinging dead body go to the fucking door, brake it down, see the phone is down the stairs, he would have to roll down the stairs with my dead body wrapped around him. He would have to try to call 911 or even 0. He would be lying on the floor with my clinging body on him, by the time the fire department, paramedics or cops came over, they would have to break in see my dead body clung onto him they would have to take the saws, zzsssuuumm, they would physically saw my limbs off of his fucking body to be free of me. It would traumatize him for the rest of his fucking life.

That I believe is the most perfect suicide fantasy. It’s my favorite and gives me pleasure.

I was so depressed for the longest time, sometimes I feel really sad, I think about that it is such a beautiful death and it gives me pleasure, that’s how sick I am.

As for mental institutions that’s where all the suicidals are exchanging first hand experiences how to commit suicide.

I lost 5 friends to suicide, one of them the most handsome guy in school, the one all the girls loved, found out he was gay, it freaked him out, he couldn’t handle it that time. Finding out your friends and family will never accept you he was Italian.

Copyright 2005 Klaus Lucka von Zelberschwecht

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